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Wal-Mart Saves….In More Ways Than One December 4, 2008

Posted by Alichat in Humor, Life.
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I’m still trying to figure out that always perplexing question….”why me?”  Today I was wandering the aisles of Wal-Mart trying to find an automatic jar opener.  Turning down the aisle with the coffee makers, I notice three women chatting, while completely blocking the aisle.  Before I can say anything, one woman moves her cart so I can pass.  I continue with my hunt for the illusive jar opener.  On the next aisle, I find my quest, but begin scanning the shelves just to make sure there wasn’t another brand.  BIG MISTAKE.  Passing by me is one of the women from the chatting group on the previous aisle.  She politely says “excuse me” when walking in front of my line of site.  “No problem” I reply.  A minute later, I begin to exit the aisle when I hear “Hello, how are you?”  Out of reflex, I reply “I’m fine, and you?”  BIG MISTAKE.  Immediately, she slides her cart next to mine, and in a heavy Jamaican accent begins to tell me how much Jesus loves me.  “Oookay” I reply.  I notice that there is nothing in her cart but her purse.  OH MY GOD, I’ve been trapped by a Jesus freak!  A fate akin to being trapped on your porch by a Jehovah’s Witness…..or in my case, those weird meat delivery guys who keep coming to my house even after telling them three times I’m a vegetarian.  But I digress.  So, here I was, trapped in the Wal-Mart by someone whose only goal for the day was to wander their local super mart telling complete strangers that they love them “very, very much” and that Jesus told them to do this.  Immediately my mind wanders to this blog.  What should I title it?  What’s the funniest thing she’s saying?  After two minutes of this woman rambling on about blasphemy, homosexuality, boyfriends, and girlfriends, Jesus dying for our sins……ramble ramble ramble, I remember a conversation I had with my best friend recently where I expressed concern that I’d gone soft.  See, in a former version of myself, I’d have already ripped this woman a new one and told her to fuck off.  But, it’s the holidays.  I thought, I’ll give her a few minutes, hopefully she will say her peace, then offer me a blessed day and move her happy ass on her Jesus-filled way.  Sadly…that did not happen.  The more she talked, the more she invaded my personal space.  After she began to repeat herself, I stopped her, politely thanked her for her thoughts, but said I had to leave.  She began to chuckle.  “You didn’t understand what I said to you did you?”  “Uh…yes, I understood everything you said, but like I said, you have your beliefs, and I have mine,  I’m going to leave now.”  I begin to push my cart away, and she moves her cart in front of mine to block me.  “I’m just trying to help you…don’t you understand…I love you…I love you very, very much…Jesus asked me to do this.”  “Well, thank you….that’s uhhh really creepy.  And frankly, I highly doubt this is what Jesus would want you to do.  I just don’t see him asking you to spend your days wandering the local Wal-Mart harrassing people with your beliefs.  It’s rude and extremely arrogant of you to stop complete strangers and preach to them.  I didn’t ask you to help me.  I didn’t ask you to tell me your beliefs.  You don’t know me at all.  It’s ridiculously arrogant of you to assume that I need saving.  I’m leaving.”  As I push my cart away, she is still telling me how she is helping me.  “This is what Jesus wanted me to do.  As the day goes on, you will see why Jesus wanted me to do this for you.”  “Yes, I’m sure this is exactly what Jesus wanted.  I’m sure he wanted you to harass me in the Wal-Mart while I’m trying to find an automatic jar opener for my 83 year old arthritic grandmother.  Yes, I’m suuure that’s what he wanted”  And I speed walked my ass out of that aisle. 

I’m always astounded by people like this.  It’s ok for them to interrupt your day, infringe on your time, invade your space (my favorite part of the harassment),  but the moment you try to end this diatribe before they are ready, they get mad.  They get mad and berate you.  Yes….how very Christian of you.  Please, spend more of your valuable time….much more valuable than mine apparently……spouting off judgemental, discriminatory views that ‘Jesus’ told you to tell me.  Please, I just don’t have enough crazy in my life.  Thank you for upping my daily allotment of lunatics.

Why me??

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Comments»

1. Leah Moak Newman - March 26, 2009

I just don’t have enough crazy in my life. Thank you for upping my daily allotment of lunatics.

Niiice! : )


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